What Beauty Means To Me : Part 1
Ever since I was a kid, I would always be so enthralled with beauty and aesthetics, it probably has something to do with my astrological chart, but we're not here to talk about that. But even when I was a child, I liked to surround myself with beautiful things, whether it was booked, magazines, toys, dolls, figures, trinkets, fashion, or even more creative concepts. That's what I've always been attracted to, in a more religious sense. How people revere music, theatre or religion is how I revered beauty and aesthetics from a very young age.
It was definitely something more profound than myself that connected with it, too, something innate, something intrinsic, something intimate that happened within me that drew me towards such things. When I got older, it transformed into more creative things that were less tangible, like creative direction, artistic concepts, collaging, mood boarding, drawing, sketching, etc. These interests also what probably drew me to Tumblr because it was used as a platform to express my raw creativity, whether it blurred the lines of femininity or not. Of course, beauty and aesthetics indicate health in the real world, but the way I saw it was a way to release all the expectations, preconceived notions, and judgments of other people to just know the essence of myself reflected back to me. After a certain age, I never felt ugly, less than <, or unworthy; it was more so other people close to me who tried to instill that feeling in me because they knew I didn't have it and couldn’t relate.
It was essential for me to center myself in that narrative from a young age because I saw what not centering yourself in that narrative could produce. It produces low self-esteem, low self-worth, inability to look in the mirror and would probably contribute to unknowingly letting people treat you egregiously. I also knew the world wasn't gonna fight to make me feel beautiful externally or internally, so I had to do it myself. That's why I was attracted to things like modeling, conceptual design, photography, and creative direction. These things helped me create my own self-esteem built in a bubble-free from compliments and insults. I am fully confident and authentic in myself, not only what I looked like but also what I embodied, which to me beats whatever the societal beauty standard was at the time. I knew at the time that beauty meant access, and I wasn't gonna count myself out.
I just feel like beauty, and however I interpret it means so much to me because it makes sure that I never feel left out feeling beautiful, amazing special one of one, and authentic. It makes sure that even when the physical fades, my beauty remains the same because no one gave it to me, so no one could take it away. I've indirectly/ unknowingly controlled my entire narrative my whole life, whether it's through creativity, being insincere, or being myself. No one can take that from me even though they try. I also need to mention that I wasn't solely dependent on the media to represent me; that's what set me apart and gave me control over feeling beautiful. Another mini piece will discuss my expression and passion for beauty art aesthetics. I just feel like even though I was subjected to terrible representation, I refused to ingest all of it.
That’s all for part 1 part 2 coming soon.