Exposed: Looking for Exposure
a light so bright it might stun you.
My second journal entry in my model files series. A little quick update. So, I quit my job and now I model full-time; partially on my way to making my dreams a reality. I made smoothies, acai bowls, and ice cream at one of L.A’s hottest grocery stores. But I no longer identified with serving the rich high-priced smoothies and SoftServe’s when I genuinely wanted to spearhead someone’s beauty campaign as a model. Even though it was a great three months there; I knew it was my time to go. It did feel a little scary but honestly giving any more of my time to anything outside of modeling would have been a bigger regret so I’m glad I came to that decision. Since I quit on a Sunday impromptu lol; I remember I had a whole week to prepare for an open call at a critical modeling agency.
This would have been my 2nd time this year at this agency’s open call which I believe they have every month around the second week of that month. So, before my open call, I decided to pick my last paycheck from my last job and deposit it. So after I deposited it I went for a walk in a beach town near the city where I reside and was super happy, optimistic, hopeful, joyful, and infatuated with the decision I made to focus on what I want from my life instead of just feeling obligated to clock in and clock out, while simultaneously catering to the rudest and entitled customers I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. So much. To the point where we had one customer pour a drink all over the counter, 5 people came in one passive aggression after the other, on top of other unpleasant customer service experiences happening consecutively one after the other. Even though the customers were rude where I worked was very industry so I would always see stars, movie stars, TV stars, writers, directors, models, and influencers walk in and out of my job shopping for food and other essentials. I just became glaring to me that it was my time to join the ranks instead of watching my life go by for 1700 dollars every two weeks* don’t get me wrong my pay was good but my life wasn’t, and change was the next smoothie I needed to blend in the Vitamix and serve myself.
So, as I was while I was walking jovially from the bank, I remember the bank teller telling me my funds would be loaded into my account within the day. Fast-forward a day later there is a 5-day hold from my bank on my last paycheck and nothing I can do about it :/. I was like well great there are no other options after I called said bank and asked them if there was anything that they could do they sadly exclaimed that wasn’t shit that they could do. It truly was a bummer, but I was still very determined to make it to my casting/open call. The other days came and went and now it was time for me to STRUT my stuff and show them what I got. I pulled my dirty blonde twists back into a half-high ponytail will two tendrils hanging in front of my face framing my face, while the other half of my hair was hanging down. I had on my lightly done casting makeup equipped with sunscreen, drunk elephants’ serum, and a dot of my house labs foundation mixed to give me a more refined natural look. My brows arched and concealed with a light contour to highlight my bone structure and my topicals lip-gloss that I always get hella compliments on. A black turtleneck with my nameplate necklace showing, blue skinny jeans that emphasize my shape and dimensions, and brown suede dress shoes with a one-inch heel. Not forget my portfolio with my comp cards in hand and some bomb perfume spray for when I need a touch-up.
I was super pressed my money didn’t go through because I was going to use it to take an uber there and back. Instead, I took two buses and walked closer to 4 miles there and back. I got Hella steps in that day so boom. So, boom I arrived with one hour to spare in the casting I was genuinely so sweaty from wearing my jacket and carrying my portfolio that before I went in, I decided to spray myself down and pat myself dry because I was drenched in perspiration. So, once I got myself together downstairs and reapplied my lip-gloss it was go time. I don’t know what it is, but I felt so much more confident because I was adequately prepared. I had my comp cards, portfolio, and a photobook of one of my favorite models Kiko Mizuhara just to show them the type of work I wanted to do in my modeling career. So, I get there go upstairs to the penthouse, and fill out all my information on the intake forms they already had prepared for us. And this nice Russian woman that I met in the elevator grabbed our intake forums and then proceeded to hop in line. This isn’t my first open call but every open call I go to everyone is always sizing everyone up maybe it is due to the competitive nature of the industry, but you can always feel the ice in the room at any time given. Like I love fashion I truly do; but every experience even working backstage at LA Fashion Week felt very……………dire. Maybe that’s just the nature of the industry idk. So, as I re-apply my lip gloss a model walks in and kind of puts me on blast by announcing loudly “I see you LIP GLOSS”. I didn’t think anything of it. I was just like “ok”, because I was more focused on getting representation than being worried about anyone else.
While at this casting I met other models in line me and this other model strike up a conversation and she was telling me about how she just moved, and I was like there was nothing to be nervous about; the industry is more. Go as you learn. So, then we start discussing body types, beauty, etc. things that the girls, women, and femmes have open dialogues about in these settings. So, as we’re talking this model, I just met who was super gorgeous and curvy was talking about how she was insecure, and I was like you look fine you look great. Looking back idk if she was fishing for compliments or had actual insecurities. As we were talking, she said something about maybe the agency won’t like my body and how her mom used to be a model and they would always criticize her curves. Somehow by some chance, the man who put me on blast while applying my lip-gloss interjects and said to her * something beyond inappropriate where we both were like this grown-ass man did not just say that *. So here I am waiting in line with a man with no filter that just killed our productive conversation because he wanted to be a perv. Great; so I and the other model just looked at each other in disbelief literally until we got to the front of the line both seriously uncomfortable knowing we couldn’t do anything about the interaction but process it. Also, me and this model were minorities which means we are at risk of being seen as “difficult” so we both had to be very calculated with our reaction to him since we both wanted to be “seen”. We reached the front after conquering that uncomfortable silence by socializing with some other models behind us, not the guy in front of us who said all of that. So, the man that’s said all that crude, rude highly sexualized stuff UNPROVOKED that killed our conversation started yelling and saying “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go” like we are at a football game. I looked at him like he was CRAZY because after he said rude thing to the woman behind me, I was not trying to interact with him @ all. Me and the other model both look like we couldn’t wait for this to be over. I also felt like he was yelling and screaming to throw me off because he saw me as a competition. So, while he was doing that, I reapplied my lip-gloss for the billionth time and then it was my turn to be interviewed. Sit went so well I told. Them that. Worked backstage at fashion week, I showed them my modeling portfolio with my updated shoots, gave them my comp card, and let them know that I know intermediate Japanese as well as showed them my photo book called Girl of my Favorite Top Model Kiko Mizuhara photographed by Mika Ninagawa and explained to them that I’m looking for a career, not a job and I want to continue to build a relationship with designers and I am looking for an agency to take me on full time. I also let them know I quit my job, so I have the time to pursue this full time and I was shocked because they were thoroughly impressed with me and lowkey so was I. I spent about 5-6 minutes talking to them and when I left, I shook everyone’s hand at the table and strutted away. I was so proud of myself because the other times I came to this agency I was ill-prepared. I was so proud of myself that I was just strutting and flipping my hair back to the bus stop. After I left, I just thought to myself that man was weird and way too comfortable. But my face was seen they have my comp-card and I’ve gotten the exposure, I needed to make my dreams come true. Outside of that. Uncomfortable interaction I had with that man in line, what I came to do had been done and I was so proud of myself for making it happen regardless of the obstacles thrown in my direction.